The following NBC entertainment videos contain the Tonight Show’s Jay Leno monologue for the episode that aired on Tuesday, January 7, 2014. I have also included a text summary of the topics for this monologue. Watch the videos for the full jokes.
This is the last full month for Jay to host The Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon takes over in February.
Jay is talking about it being 2014. It’s been 15 years since we partied like it’s 1999.
For a new year, Old Father Time makes way for the New Year’s Baby. NBC refers to this as “Leno and Fallon.”
A study says that dogs align themselves with the Earth’s magnetic field in preparation for going to the bathroom. The Earth’s magnetic field is also perfectly aligned with Leno’s front lawn.
It is so cold, that a polar bear at Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo had to be moved indoors. This is because a polar bear in the wild has thicker blubber, so it can withstand the cold better. Americans have this thick layer of blubber, so they have no problem walking around in the cold.
It was recently colder in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, than on the surface of Mars. Actually, Mars has more night life than Winnipeg. And there are more things to do.
The average temperature across America was 14 degrees. That’s so cold that the Blue Man Group blended in with the rest of the country.
Jay then told some more “it’s so cold” jokes:
1. New York City mayor, Bill de Blasio, had to dig Michael Bloomberg out of the snow.
2. Anthony Wiener said it was bone-chilling.
3. In Utah, the Supreme Court put a freeze on gay marriage.
4. The Bachelor on ABC has a cold sore not from herpes.
Scientists report they developed a strain of marijuana that does not contain THC. Jay says we have this already. It is oregano.
Jay showed a skit about what eggs in a frying pan look like both with and without THC. With THC, the eggs are laughing.
Toronto mayor Rob Ford is running for reelection. Jay wonders where he gets the energy.
Rob Ford’s new campaign slogan: If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the meth lab.
People in Sochi will be allowed to protest – in a special protest zone in Siberia.
Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea to play an exhibition basketball game. Jay showed a bizarre CNN interview with Rodman. The other former NBA players were sitting there, apparently embarrassed by the interview. Jay says you don’t usually see faces like that on NBA players until the paternity test comes back.
Pope Francis reportedly has an approval rating of 88 percent. If he comes out with Francis Care, the whole thing could go down the tubes.
There is some new toothbrush that is supposed to detect when you have too much plaque. An app then sends the info to your iPhone. Alternatively, you could just look in the mirror.
Amazon’s Jeff Bezos was airlifted by the Ecuador Navy to get an emergency operation for kidney stones. Jay then told a lame joke about the Navy charging him shipping and handling and then recommended other operations that other people have bought (you’ll get it if you use Amazon).
Jay joked about Evander Holyfield’s homosexuality comments. He said stupidity is incurable.
Leno then showed an infomercial for a product called the “Bacon Bowl.” The skit then said that if you order now, you get the Bacon Coffin for free.
Jay Leno Monologue For January 7, 2014, Part 1
Jay Leno Monologue For January 7, 2014, Part 2