The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 19, 2013: Monologue Segment For “Heads Up! These Are Imposters”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It was uploaded to YouTube on September 19, 2013. This segment is part of Ellen’s daily monologue. It is called “Heads Up! These Are Imposters.”

Someone pretending to be Ellen did an aerial routine as the intro to this monologue. She said it was her homage to Pink, who is interviewed on this episode.

Ellen is complaining that a lot of programmers are ripping off her Heads Up! game app. This is a game where you try to get a friend to guess words, and it records a video of the person as he or she is trying to guess.

Ellen launched the Heads Up! app on the show. She played the game with Owen Wilson and Lucille Ball. Lucy loved it, and Ellen loves Lucy.

Ellen says Tilt Up is a knockoff. Heads Up Charades is another one. Then, there is a Russian knockoff of Heads Up!

Ellen says if you want to play the real game, it is just called “Heads Up!” It is better than the others, and it’s the only one she makes money off of.

Ellen’s YouTube Video For The “Heads Up! These Are Imposters” Monologue (September 19, 2013)

The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 18, 2013: Monologue Segment For “Ellen’s In The Guinness Book Of World Records”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It was uploaded to YouTube on September 18, 2013. This segment is part of Ellen’s daily monologue. It is called “Ellen’s In The Guinness Book Of World Records.”

Ellen was in a bookstore the other day. That’s where you used to go to the restroom before Starbucks.

She likes to buy new books. Ellen likes the feel of the books, the smell, and lighting the paper up and smoking it.

Ellen then talks about the book, “Guinness World Records 2014.” Here is some of what she showed from the book:

1. 95-year-old Ida Herbert is the world’s oldest yoga teacher. She can remember 100 poses but forgot her pants.

2. Peter Glazebrook grew the heaviest onion. It weighed 18 pounds and 1 ounce. Ellen said he sold it for $1.48.

3. There were some silly records about how fast some guys drank a bottle of ketchup and mustard. The mustard guy also holds the world record for number of times thrown out of a Denny’s.

4. Milan Baticz, from Hungary, holds the record for the most times solving a Rubik’s Cube in 24 hours. He did it 4786 times. He’s single, ladies.

5. Ellen is on Page 129. She holds the world record for TV personality with the most Twitter followers, at over 19 million. So she drank a bottle or Ranch dressing for nothing.

The other record she wants to share is the one she will play to dance.

Ellen’s YouTube Video For The “Ellen’s In The Guinness Book Of World Records” Monologue (September 18, 2013)

The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 17, 2013: Monologue Segment For “Ellen Talks Miss America”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It was uploaded to YouTube on September 17, 2013. This segment is part of Ellen’s daily monologue. It is called “Ellen Talks Miss America.”

The 2013 Miss America pageant was on Sunday night. It’s Tuesday now. It took Ellen that long to process all the beauty and pageantry.

Miss Kansas showed her tattoos. She has the Serenity Prayer tattooed on her. But she probably got that when she was drunk.

Traditionalists don’t like the tattoo thing. They think the pageant requires a high standard while walking around in a bikini and high-heeled shoes.

Ellen thinks the Miss American pageant could use some upgrading. Evening gowns aren’t even popular. She has bought one in the last 50 years. That was for her friend Jerry.

Ellen thinks contestants should text with two thumbs. Or, they could parallel park in one try or set up Wi-Fi at Ellen’s house.

Another talent could be getting your baby to stop crying while cooking dinner.

Ellen said they still need to do all these things in a bikini, though.

Ellen doesn’t like the Q&A round. For example, our government can’t even figure out what to do in Syria. Yet, Miss California has to solve the problem in 20 seconds.

Ellen congratulates Miss New York for winning this year’s Miss America pageant.

Now, for the talent portion of this show, Ellen says it’s time to dance.

Ellen’s YouTube Video For The “Ellen Talks Miss America” Monologue (September 17, 2013)

The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 16, 2013: Monologue Segment For “Ellen Takes Things Literally”; Definitions For Literally, Food Baby, Twerking, And Selfie

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It was uploaded to YouTube on September 16, 2013. This segment is part of Ellen’s daily monologue. It is called “Ellen Takes Things Literally.”

She started this segment by saying this is literally her favorite audience ever. Of course, they cheer wildly. And she is not one of those people who misuse the word “literally.” For example, some people say they literally laughed their butt off. But when you check, their butt is still right there.

Ellen then shows how they added a new definition of “literally” in the dictionary. People misused it so much that its new definition is “something that’s not literally true.” So literally is now the opposite of literally. And that literally makes no sense.

Ellen said they also added “selfie” and “twerking” to the dictionary. It must be a 13-year-old girl making these decisions. Ellen never heard of twerking until Miley Cyrus a couple of weeks ago.

The term “food baby” is a large stomach caused by overeating.

Ellen then introduces Nolan Gould, who is a star on Modern Family. He is the guest DJ on today’s episode. She tells him she literally wants him to make her dance.

Ellen’s YouTube Video For The “Ellen Takes Things Literally” Monologue, From September 16, 2013

The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 13, 2013: Skit And Monologue For “Ellen, Wind, And Fire” (Includes “September” Performance)

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It was uploaded to YouTube on September 13, 2013. This skit is called “Ellen, Wind, And Fire.” It is also part of Ellen’s daily monologue.

Ellen said her dream is to be in a band. It seems like everyone’s dream. Even people in a band want to be in another band.

Today, Ellen is going to join the band Earth, Wind, And Fire. The partition opens up, and Earth, Wind, And Fire start to perform the song “September.” Ellen then stops them, saying she wants to start the song. She jokes around for a while, making them start over again cause she was going to count to 5 to start instead of 3.

Ellen then stops them again and puts on some crazy pink robe. So they finally play “September” while Ellen blows one of those little bicycle horns.

Click here to see Ellen’s YouTube video for the “Ellen, Wind, And Fire” skit, From September 13, 2013.

The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 12, 2013: Monologue Segment For “Kids These Days”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It was uploaded to YouTube on September 12, 2013. This segment is part of Ellen’s daily monologue. It is called “Kids These Days.”

Ellen asked who has kids. The audience cheers. And then she asks which ones have kids going off to college. She says they are the happy ones.

Kids going to college now are the class of 2017. Ellen thinks that is crazy because she graduated from high school in 1976. And she didn’t even graduate from college. But that’s not the point.

The kids going to college now were born in 1995. They are Generation Y. That stands for “y do you take so many pictures of yourselves.”

These kids have always seen the news crawler on news broadcasts. Before, though, the only thing that crawled on Ellen’s TV screen was a dust bunny. It was called Kyle and was Ellen’s soulmate (she was lonely).

Today’s college kids have always had email, the Internet, and a GPS. They don’t ever have to ask for directions at a gas station. She then made a Slim Jim joke. It was not the snack food but a drifter she met at Texaco when asking for directions.

Since they were born in 1995, Ellen has been gay for their entire lives. These kids twitch and twerk. She then asked her guest DJ, Twitch, to make her twerk.

Ellen’s YouTube Video For The “Kids These Days” Monologue (September 12, 2013)

The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 10, 2013: Monologue Segment For “Pros And Cons Of Hosting The Oscars”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It was uploaded to YouTube on September 10, 2013. This segment is part of Ellen’s daily monologue. It is called “Pros And Cons Of Hosting The Oscars.”

Ellen says she forgot to mention something special that happened over the summer. In one word, it is “Oscar.” She then says a neighbor named Oscar got his braces off and now only has to wear a retainer for two years.

Ellen then says she has agreed to host the Academy Awards again. She hosted back in 2007. She pretended like they wanted her to host. But she told them she would have to think about it. So she sat down and made a list of pros and cons related to hosting the Oscars.

Pro: She gets to perform in front of 60 million people.

Con: “Oh, my God. 60 million people watch that thing.”

Pro: Ellen will be invited to the cool Oscar after-parties.

Con: She likes to be tucked in by 7:30.

Pro: Meryl Streep might get a record 17th nomination for an Oscar.

Con: #We’reOverItMeryl

Pro: A lot of designers will want Ellen to wear one of their beautiful, expensive gowns.

Con: There’s no way she is wearing a gown.

Pro: This is her second time hosting. So this time should be even better.

Con: Her second sitcom got cancelled after 5 minutes.

Pro: She won’t be sitting on her couch and drinking margaritas.

Con: She won’t be sitting on her couch and drinking margaritas.

Pro: The theater has 3000 seats.

Con: It will take 45 minutes to dance through all those aisles.

Ellen’s YouTube Video For The “Pros And Cons Of Hosting The Oscars” Monologue (September 10, 2013)

The Ellen DeGeneres Show YouTube Video For September 9, 2013: Monologue Segment For “Ellen’s Summer Vacation”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It aired on the Monday, September 9, 2013 episode. This segment is part of Ellen’s daily monologue. It is called “Ellen’s Summer Vacation.”

This is the first monologue and first episode of Ellen’s new season. She has been on a long summer break.

Ellen starts by saying that this season, she is going to work it while she twerks it. She then teased some twerking without really doing it.

DeGeneres then started talking about what she did over her summer vacation. She got some sun and relaxed. Ellen also read a lot – that is, a lot of Sangria recipes.

Ellen’s brother, Vance, got married this summer. She went to his wedding. Her new sister-in-law is Joanne. Ellen then showed a photo of her and Portia dancing at the wedding. Some lady’s face got into the picture.

Ellen also went to Jimmy Kimmel’s wedding. Ellen then cropped the lady’s picture into Jimmy’s photo, as well.

Both weddings were at some place called the Ojai Valley Inn.

Ellen also went to the Hamptons. She sang with Pharrell and Jamie Foxx.

Oprah brought Ellen a basket of fruits and vegetables, supposedly from her garden. But Ellen found a Trader Joe’s receipt in the bottom. Oprah also did Ellen’s hair one day. She then showed a picture of herself with a huge white afro.

Ellen’s YouTube Video For The “Ellen’s Summer Vacation” Monologue (September 9, 2013)

The Ellen DeGeneres Show Video For June 11, 2013: Monologue For “Oh, Deere”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It aired on the Tuesday, June 11, 2013 episode. This clip contains a monologue segment called “Oh, Deere.”

Ellen starts this monologue while sitting on a John Deere riding lawnmower. She drives it out onto the stage.

The audience was cheering loudly for a very long time. But I have no idea why.

Ellen thanks God that Oprah is not on the air anymore. So she can do things like ride in on this John Deere mower. She says she drove it to work because her car is in the shop. Ellen didn’t take it on the freeway. But she cut through a yard in Burbank and made $60.

She also uses the John Deere to cut the shag carpet in their rumpus room (recreation room).

Ellen loves the smell of freshly cut grass. The only one who enjoys fresh grass more is Snoop Dogg.

Ellen then talked about manual push mowers and then electric push lawnmowers. But you had to pull that cord and would also hurt back sometimes. She then gets confused and thinks she is Forrest Gump.

Ellen loves gardening and chocolates and dated a girl named Jenny.

She then advises kids cutting lawns this summer to get a John Deere. Ellen then calls down someone named Melissa Carpel. The girl is from Michigan. Ellen says John Deere is celebrating its 50th anniversary. And Melissa is getting the riding lawnmower as a prize.

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The Ellen DeGeneres Show Video For May 31, 2013: Monologue For “Ellen Talks To Text”

The following comedy video comes from the Ellen DeGeneres Show. It aired on the Friday, May 31, 2013 episode. This clip contains a monologue segment called “Ellen Talks To Text.”

It’s almost summer. School is out, the flowers are blooming, and Target is starting to sell Christmas decorations.

Ellen just learned something knew about her iPhone. She didn’t know you could speak your texts instead of typing them. Some audience members laughed cause she didn’t know.

Ellen says she is bad at texting. She can’t use her left thumb. It’s like the Gary Busey of her fingers.

Talking to send a text is supposed to save time, but Ellen says it doesn’t. She tried to say, “I love you, Portia.” But it wrote, “I rubbed a cabbie.”

Ellen then talks about robots still not understanding humans. The Information operator gives you the wrong number then hangs up on you. She is the Gary Busey of operators.

Ellen then tries out the speak-to-text feature using the iPhone. It doesn’t work very well. She does a Portia Australian accent and also tries to text the words to Super Bass. When the iPhone wouldn’t send the text, she started shaking it.

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