The following NBC entertainment videos contain the Tonight Show’s Jay Leno monologue for the episode that aired on Monday, May 13, 2013. I have also included a text summary of the topics for this monologue. Watch the video for the full jokes.
Jay was going to start with an Obama joke, but he’s afraid of getting audited by the IRS.
The IRS admitted to targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny. No wonder Mitt Romney wanted to be the president so bad.
Obama may move back to Chicago, in a 2-story house. That’s 10 stories less than Benghazi.
Leno showed a skit that was a press conference with Obama and Prime Minister Cameron. A reporter asked Obama if he agrees that the talking points were not changed to downplay the prospects of terrorism. Before he answered, Hillary Clinton rode in on a motorcycle. She then drove off with Obama to save him from the questions.
It was really hot over the weekend in California, including 103 degrees in Burbank. Jay was sweating like Kobe Bryant calling his mother on Mother’s Day. At least Kobe doesn’t have to worry about his mom stealing memorabilia from this season.
Colorado will be the first state to regulate and tax recreational marijuana. But it’s a 15 percent excise tax and 10 percent sales tax. The cost of living is high. Now, the cost of getting high is high. There is a concern that the tax will be so high that people will just go to drug dealers. Is the government greedier than drug cartels now?
In a Prince Harry skit, he posed nude for some artists at a New York gallery.
In Florida, a man who ran from police got attacked by an alligator while hiding in a water treatment plant. If you break the law, it’s going to come back and bite you.
The Amazon Wheel Mate lets you put your laptop on your steering wheel. Customers of this stupid product also bought the Hospital Bed Work Station.
The 17-year cicadas are coming from underground on the East Coast. They wait that long to mate. It’s like ChristianMingle.com.
Leno showed a picture of O.J. He used to be called The Juice. Now, he looks like Gravy.
A man in Illinois is charged with sexually abusing a peacock. Jay has his issues with NBC, but that is just wrong.
In the Netherlands, they made enough meat to make a hamburger by using stem cells from a cow. The problem is the process cost them $325,000. It’s 350K if you want cheese.
A Tampa restaurant stopped serving lion tacos due to animal rights complaints. But lions will eat humans if they get the chance.
Taco Bell is expanding its $1 menu with Dollar Cravings. It’s better than the original – Upchuck For a Buck.
On Domino’s website, you can watch your pizza being made. Also, you can use this feature to see what former American Idol contestants are doing.
Barbara Walters is retiring. He will have someone to hang out with next year. Leno then shows a skit of Barbara’s interviews over the years. Her first one was with Jesus Christ, over 2000 years ago.
Anthony Weiner joke about Snap Chat. The photos apparently do not disappear in 10 seconds, as they can be recovered.
A man in Satellite Beach, Florida, allegedly robbed a credit union to pay for a trip on a Disneyland cruise. If convicted, he has to go on a Carnival cruise.
A picture of Lindsay Lohan in rehab could sell for as much as $100,000. Michael Lohan was arrested with a camera, trying to break into the Betty Ford Center.