The following NBC entertainment videos contain the Tonight Show’s Jay Leno monologue for the episode that aired on Thursday, December 13, 2012. I have also included a text summary of the contents of this monologue.
Christmas carolers came to Jay’s house last night. But they were Mayan Christmas carolers. They sang, “Eve of Destruction.”
If the Mayans are correct that the world is ending on December 21, 2012, then Lindsay Lohan is a genius.
Lindsay’s California probation was revoked. She could get 5 to 10 behind bars. That is minutes, not years. We are talking L.A. jail time here.
Seriously, Lohan could get up to 8 months in prison. On the next car she wrecks, it might even have a license plate that she personally made.
Researchers in the University of Washington are trying to determine if we are all real or just part of some kind of Matrix-like virtual reality. On a related note, they just legalized marijuana in Washington State.
The Army is kicking out overweight soldiers and refusing to admit those who are obese. Things have really changed. In the 60s, you had to go to Canada to avoid the Army. Now, you just have to go to McDonald’s.
Barbara Walters chose General David Petraeus as the 2012 Most Fascinating Person. So did Paula Broadwell.
Women are better than men at wrapping gifts cause men only have the patience to spend about one minute doing it. Women are saying, “One minute? What’s new about that?”
70 percent of dog owners will buy their dog a Christmas gift. Vets say dogs are not smart enough to understand Christmas. But they do know that humans are too stupid to know that and willingly take their gift.
It is being claimed that some therapy dogs can predict death. The dogs won’t go into a room if the person is dying. Two of these dogs were recently seen outside the Lakers locker room.
The next joke is a skit called “Future Los Angeles Laker?” It shows a guy on a basketball team who rebounded the ball then started shooting at the wrong basket.
A woman from Panama was arrested in the Barcelona airport when found with 3 pounds of cocaine in her breast implants. The concealment didn’t work because she was spotted by every guy in the airport. Jay called it a “cocaine bust.” She actually got caught cause her nipples wouldn’t stop talking.
Good for North Korea for launching a long-range rocket. It’s amazing what you can do when you don’t spend money for things like feeding your own people.
NORAD said the rocket North Korea launched is tumbling in orbit. They say it is not tumbling. It is orbiting Gangnam Style.
The Census Bureau estimates that by 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. Come to Los Angeles if you want to experience what that is like right now.
David and Victoria Beckham attended a musical in London that is based on the Spice Girls’ greatest hits. Everyone left after 5 minutes.
The next part is a skit called “The Difference Between Men And Women.” It is about difference in feeding pets. A woman was feeding a dog with a bowl and spoon. It then showed that guy that spits out banana pieces and has his bulldog catch it in his mouth and eat it.
33 percent of women are sad after sex. 90 percent of men don’t know this. They are already in the kitchen making a sandwich.
University of Washington researchers are working on a dissolving condom. If you are stupid enough to use this, it’s a story you can tell your kid one day.
The next joke is a skit that contains a spoof public service ad about California. It is supposed to convince people not to leave California. The ad says people shouldn’t leave because California is broke and can’t lose tax revenue. You will be gently encouraged to stay if you try to leave. It then shows a police wielding a gun and stopping the driver of a U Haul truck. In the background, you can hear the song, “Please Don’t Go.”