The following NBC entertainment videos contain the Tonight Show’s Jay Leno monologue for the episode that aired on Thursday, August 29, 2013. I have also included a text summary of the topics for this monologue. Watch the videos for the full jokes.
Ben Affleck is the new Batman, and Miley Cyrus is the new Lindsay Lohan.
Why couldn’t Kanye West have interrupted the Miley performance?
Miley’s performance was so embarrassing that the state of Montana may change its name.
Miley has a new Bobble Butt doll.
More Trump University jokes. The New York Attorney General got suspicious when he found out the dean of the business school was Bernie Madoff.
John Kerry claims it is undeniable that the president of Syria is using weapons of mass destruction. Kerry said the U.S. needs to build a coalition of countries and act. George Bush told him to let him know how that works out.
The 30 million $100 bills that had to be destroyed due to a printing error had “In God We Trust” written on them. God said to get his name off cause we are $16 trillion in debt.
It was so hot that:
1. Jay was sweating like a Trump University grad looking for a job;
2. Miley Cyrus’s tongue was hanging out the car window; and
3. Jay was sweating like a secretary at Bob Filner’s office Christmas party.
More Bob Filner and Carl DeMaio jokes here.
Walmart will soon offer benefits to same-sex partners of employees. Finally, we have a company concerned about the interests of gay and lesbian Chinese factory workers.
The IRS will also treat same-sex marriages the same. We have come far when gay couples can now be screwed over just like straight couples.
Kim Jung Un’s ex-girlfriend was reportedly executed by firing squad. Taylor Swift should not learn about this idea.
Fast food workers went on strike in 50 cities. But Twinkies were still on the shelves.
The restaurants stay their food will be okay under the heat lamps until the strike is over.
Jay then ran a silly skit where a reporter tried to interview a fast food worker through the drive-thru intercom. The question was about the workers’ demands being misunderstood.
Scientists have grown mini-brains in the lab. But they are not yet capable of real thought. Don’t guys already have this?
A South Carolina couple got arrested when caught having sex in a shed at a Home Depot store. They thought they were at the Do It Center.
A new TV channel just for dogs debuted on August 1. Jay showed a spoof PSA starring a talking dog. The dog said stupid humans need your help. One of the humans was Gary Busey.
A joke about Al Gore and environment (green) adult toys.